After surgery........this is hard

I thought I had prepared myself well for this, but after taking one look at him I realized there is no way to prepare yourself to see you baby in pain.



When we got in his room he was breathing on cpap and doing pretty good. It didn't take long though for the anesthesia to wear off and the pain to set in. I have seen Carter go through a lot of stuff and I have never felt like it was too hard to watch. Tonight was different. It took everything I had to stay by His side and hold his hand. Seeing him in so much pain and reaching for me to hold him when I couldn't was just too much it absolutely broke my heart. He also had moments where he would desat into the 50's which we haven't seen since his NICU days and those are days I never wanted to see again. Dr. McClay is a man of very little words and a very aggressive doctor which seems to be the case for most surgeons. He wanted to be aggressive in Carter's recovery and wean him quickly off of pain meds. I am all for being aggressive, but I don't think that hours after a major surgery is the time to be. Our selves, our nurse, and RT all agreed and together we got the PICU doctor to put him back on some sedative meds. Being on the meds requires some ventilator support and as much as I hate the vent I am happy he has it and glad that he is finally comfortable. There isn't really any set plan as far as recovery goes we will just take it as it comes and give little man what he needs. My heart breaks for him. It is so hard to watch him go through this. I am happy that we are hopefully on the home stretch for all these trach related issues.

Thank you again for all your prayers for our family. We have felt and needed them today.

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